Tears cloud my vision as I twiddle the bit of guitar string between my index finger and thumb…willing it to magically merge with the other end that still feels warm to the touch. It has just snapped. Once again, I twisted the already taut string too tight and it snapped as I twanged away. Oh snap. This is the second time in a short time this has happened. Even though I sigh, “Oh Jazz!” at my guitar as if she has a life of her own and could have done anything to prevent it. I’m madder at myself. I have been here before…I should have known better…Why oh WHY didn’t I learn from my mistakes??! At this point I’m sniffling. Tilting my head backwards so the tears don’t spill over. Like my eyes have enough capacity to contain the pain grappling at my chest.
I may be overly dramatic…but bear with me. The thought of having to find yet another string….while the cost of the last one I purchased only a few weeks ago is still pending on my payables list, the thought of all the trouble and hustle. The fact that the nearest store is 3 towns and 4 hours away. And the worst part; having to explain to everyone AGAIN why and how it happened. The thought of all this and more just puts me off. I simply cannot stand their pitiful eyes and endless questioning and misplaced sympathies. Guitar is too complicated I tell myself. I can manage just as well if I pack it away somewhere….shove it into a back drawer of a neglected cupboard somewhere, forget about it and get by fine enough with acapella. I can sing the words in solitude and they’ll sound just fine.
I had invested everything in what was supposed to be my greatest joy and yet was proving to be my biggest heartache. Flashback to way back when I sat, twiddling my phone in my hands, reading and rereading a text I had just received. “It’s over” Really? No explanation, no elaboration. Just as quick and as painful as my string suddenly snapping. Not again. Sigh.
I invested so much. My time, my space, my affection…and my heart. I had given everything only to have it disappear from right under me. Why do the same things keep happening?
And not for the first time at that. I think love is too complicated. Maybe it’s a sign it’s just not for me. Who needs it anyway? I can live my life in solitude and I’ll be just fine.
But just as in the case of my guitar, no pun intended. I had admitted to myself that I should have known better. I should have learnt from my mistakes. I should have known that if I did certain things, hung with the wrong people, got into relationships with the wrong guy, at the wrong time and for all the wrong reasons. The same things were bound to happen.
As the old adage goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”.
So often we are willing to put the blame on anyone but ourselves. It was the manufacturer, they used counterfeit material. Those strings were fake. Or… it was him! He lied, he cheated!…which could be true. But if you’re constantly getting the same results even with different products/people and you’re the only common denominator then most likely…you might be the problem.
Are you reading the manual? Or trying to do things your own way? It’s a bitter pill to swallow but it’s a necessary one if you’re going to make a change. You’re the only person that can do you so why not become the best version? Live better, do better…read the manual (The Bible) and watch yourself rise to better heights. Just like playing the guitar…you learn the more you play. See what inspires you…work on that. Work on your weaknesses and don’t think you have it all figured. Trust the experts (when it comes to your life that’s God)…there’s a reason why they are.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding”. Proverbs 3:5.
I’m glad to say I haven’t snapped another string (yet!) 😀 As for love, well. That’s a post for another day. hehe