So it’s Friday! And I have no idea why I get excited about that. Maybe because it’s the only day I can turn up to work in skinny jeans and fuchsia lipstick and get away with it. But then it’s Saturday and Sunday and the weekend is over. And all the things I postponed during the week because I would do them at the weekend…I still haven’t done and it’s Monday again. I long for the day when I can wear whatever whenever because I am finally working my own grind. And sadly, that will only ever happen if I stop procrastinating.
I am prone to making impulsive decisions. As I am constantly feeling the desperate urge to change. I have on so many occasions grabbed a tube of hair dye or a pair of scissors on a whim and changed my hair colour and style in a matter of minutes. And sometimes I have taken one look at my closet, dragged out the piles of stuff and given it all away to charity or sold it for pocket change. All the while digressing towards a minimalist wardrobe consisting of basic monotone and pastels.
Just last week I looked at my blog in horror and wondered why I had ever chosen such a horrid theme. It was cluttered, it was a mess. And I started to switch that up too. (It’s still a work in progress).
Where I can make a change. I make it on a whim because that gives me such satisfaction.
The things I cannot change…
I can’t change the past…. I really wish I could. If I could press reset on all my terrible decisions and all the reckless times I fell in love. I would in a heartbeat.
I also can’t change the fact that I just signed the next two years of my life away slaving away on somebody else’s grind. If you are a creative like me you’ll understand just how hard that is to do. I have corporate claustrophobia and am stifled by rules and having to work a 9-5. I am, in the words of Maya Angelou, a caged bird. Of the highest order.
Somehow I guess this is just what I need. To be pinned down, if just for a moment. So that I can be less reckless and whimsical and to focus my attention on one thing and then the next. Instead of being such a vagabond of extravagant spontaneity. Flitting from one idea to the next. I am now getting to prioritise and focus on what really matters. And sifting through my messiness to cling to the things and people with meaning and doing away with those that aren’t.
My mentor once said, “how desperate are you?”
And this year I have an answer. I am SO DESPERATE. For change, for accomplishment, for life.
This makes me nervous. But also restless. I am really excited! Because I can finally say I am making headway and beginning to live a life of purposefulness and fulfilment.
“…Who knows but that you have come to this position for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14